well...were to begin..I woke up at 5 am with my X calling me up to make sure I won't forget to pick him up. I got up and packed a bag for my kids and drove'em off to Grandma's house. Drove another 1hours to my X's apartment. No bloody fuckin' thank you ...naw...just some more bitching. You couldn't believe how much bitching one fucking man can do! NVM any woman on PMS....he will outbitch you in a heartbeat!
All the way to our court appointment we played a little game called 'who fucked this marriage up' and guess what...of course Mr Perfect can't be blamed for anything. He was gracious enough to stay over here in Germany for ME...yeah, dude that was the only reason...right! Guess what moron I told you from the get-go that if you want to marry me we had to stay in Germany at least until I was done with my school.
Two years later things sorta took off on their own...he had gotten a entry level position that he wanted and I had a pretty good job over here ..so we decided to stay. Later on we had our house build and had two beautiful little boys. Life seemed pretty fucking perfect, right? NOPE...I guess I was tooooo bloody happy. About three years ago my X couldn't deal with all the stress at work and at home (there's a newsflash...baby's stress you out) so he handled the stress the only way he knew how to. He turned to Vodka....life just went out of hand fast and I was unable to stop it. At first I didn't realize how big his problem was and when I did...well, I guess it was already too late.
I found him a English speaking counselor...he tried AA(naw..didn't work for him again...guess what ..they only talk about drinking..naw honey can't do that...).
Nothing worked long term...it got that bad that he was not to be trusted with watching the boys for any period of time. He started showing up at work drunk...one day a friend checked him into detox ...things seemed better after detox...boy, was I wrong.
The one night I decided to sleep at my folks house (had some apt in the morning hours nearby their house)...he decided to drink again and cause a car accident the next day. Nobody got hurt...just my heart broke a little more. Another broken promise another missed chance to get 'us' back.
After the accident he managed to stay sober for 4 months. He slipped again and went back to heavy drinking...it got really ugly. And again my heart broke a little more...it seems like every time he chose to drink over me ..I lost more of my soul.
His behavior went from bad to horrible...I followed him into hell and back but couldn't do it anymore....one night I looked into my son's eyes and just knew that if I don't stop this train wreck now they will the ones paying the price. I kicked him out and told him it's either rehab or divorce. After one week we checked him into rehab. He went through several weeks of rehab and returned home with a brand new attitude. Turns out it was ME all the time...he is the victim and once he got away from me he'll be all better. Well, hell...if it was this easy why didn't you say so? He moved out and managed to stay sober for another three months before he went off the deep end big time...lost his job and some legal troubles followed.
That was almost 6 weeks ago...now I'm sitting here on my couch with my laptop and divorced...no money..'cause hell he couldn't be bothered paying for child support..
And through it all he keeps blaming me for it all? How can you get up in the morning and look yourself in the mirror and not wonder how you were capable of hurting everybody around you so badly?
I call him so the kids can talk to him(only when he is sober)..I bought an extra bday gift for my youngest son and told him it was from daddy (cause daddy pissed away his money on other shit). I didn't have him arrested for outstanding child support...not because I'm stupid but because when it's all said and done he will still be their father and at some point they will ask me about it. I choose my boys heart every single time over his shortcomings as a human being.
Don't get me wrong...in my head I ripped him a new one at least a million times.
In court there wasn't much to be said...the judge sided with me and I finally got my freedom back. Now ...here's what's bothering me....I'm fucking sad..? I figured I'd be jumping up and down and throwing a big bash for my divorce. I wonder how things would have turned out..and where did the guy go that I've loved for so long and with all my heart? He used to bring me ice cream to work...we had gimpy-championships on lazy Sundays...we were so madly in love that we couldn't spend a day without each other...now 13 years later it seems our love had just vanished and there's a stranger looking at me with hate filled eyes. He accused me of trying to erase him out of our lives. I don't know why but it did strike a nerve with me. I'm sitting here and this house is just full with his presents, pictures, clothes, and what not...he'll start fresh but I'm left with all this memories and what's more important I'll have to answer my sweet boys. How could I erase him out of my life? I spend all my adult life with him....we had the most wonderful and the worst memories together. He held our sons after they were born....he held them and told'em he would never leave them like his dad with him. He promised them the world and cried for hours just holding our new born babies. Where did it all go? Where did all the love go to? All the plans? All the memories?
